Official Joke Thread!
Moderator: Forum Moderators
Awesome Joke, I mean totally awesome...
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors they would be chicken sedans..
Boooooooooo!!!!!
Because if they had 4 doors they would be chicken sedans..
Boooooooooo!!!!!
Ak-ak-a-dak. Whaddya think of my defense now!
Jokes so corny, they'll end up in your poop!
Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Fish.
Q: How many wannabe guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 100, 1 to change the light bulb, and 99 to say, "Man, I could have done that way cooler with my effects rack!"
Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his keys in the van?
A: It took almost 3 hours to get the drummer out.
Q: Why were all the blondes at the party on the roof?
A: They heard "Drinks are on the House"
Q: Why did the blonde have circular bruises all around her bellybutton?
A: Blonde guys are dumb too!
Oh yeah here is a great Joke:
Minnesota Collegiate & Professional Sports
Gopher Football: Finish 8th in Big 10(11), go to the friggin' Music City bowl.
Gopher Men's Basketball: Out in the 2nd round of the NIT. Crappy coach on for at least one more year.
Gopher Women's Basketball: didn't make it past the second round of the NCAA tourney, then almost all starters quit the team within two weeks of the season's end.
Gopher Men's Hockey: Ranked #1 in the country, 2nd seed in the NCAA tournament, lose to 15 seed Holy Cross in first round (You've got to be kdding me!)
Gopher Women's Hockey: Yes, there is such a thing as women's hockey.
Vikings: 9-7 Miss playoffs 2 years in a row, send Franchise QB to Miami for a second round pick (who they used on a guy who didn't think he would be drafed until the fourth round), sex boat scandal, the poison pills were flying.
Timberwolves: 77-87 since going all the way to the Western Conference Finals. Horrible trades (Chauncy Billups, we didn't need him; Sam Cassell for Marco Jaravich) draft picks and cheating. Franchise in total disarray, owner refuses to fire terrible GM, Kevin McHale.
Wild: Miss playoffs by a country mile. Former players doing great on other teams, Edmonton rode former Wild goalie Dwayne Roloson past the number one seed Detroit Red Wings in 6 games. Center Andrew Brunette scored two overtime goals for the Avalanche to send them to the next round of the playoffs.
Twins: Outscored this past weekend by the Revamped Detroit Tigers 33-1, that pretty much says it all.
Even our professional lacrosse team, the Swarm, got bounced in the first round of the playoffs. (There's a pro Lacrosse league?)
Changing Location to "Loserville, USA"
A: Fish.
Q: How many wannabe guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 100, 1 to change the light bulb, and 99 to say, "Man, I could have done that way cooler with my effects rack!"
Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his keys in the van?
A: It took almost 3 hours to get the drummer out.
Q: Why were all the blondes at the party on the roof?
A: They heard "Drinks are on the House"
Q: Why did the blonde have circular bruises all around her bellybutton?
A: Blonde guys are dumb too!
Oh yeah here is a great Joke:
Minnesota Collegiate & Professional Sports
Gopher Football: Finish 8th in Big 10(11), go to the friggin' Music City bowl.
Gopher Men's Basketball: Out in the 2nd round of the NIT. Crappy coach on for at least one more year.
Gopher Women's Basketball: didn't make it past the second round of the NCAA tourney, then almost all starters quit the team within two weeks of the season's end.
Gopher Men's Hockey: Ranked #1 in the country, 2nd seed in the NCAA tournament, lose to 15 seed Holy Cross in first round (You've got to be kdding me!)
Gopher Women's Hockey: Yes, there is such a thing as women's hockey.
Vikings: 9-7 Miss playoffs 2 years in a row, send Franchise QB to Miami for a second round pick (who they used on a guy who didn't think he would be drafed until the fourth round), sex boat scandal, the poison pills were flying.
Timberwolves: 77-87 since going all the way to the Western Conference Finals. Horrible trades (Chauncy Billups, we didn't need him; Sam Cassell for Marco Jaravich) draft picks and cheating. Franchise in total disarray, owner refuses to fire terrible GM, Kevin McHale.
Wild: Miss playoffs by a country mile. Former players doing great on other teams, Edmonton rode former Wild goalie Dwayne Roloson past the number one seed Detroit Red Wings in 6 games. Center Andrew Brunette scored two overtime goals for the Avalanche to send them to the next round of the playoffs.
Twins: Outscored this past weekend by the Revamped Detroit Tigers 33-1, that pretty much says it all.
Even our professional lacrosse team, the Swarm, got bounced in the first round of the playoffs. (There's a pro Lacrosse league?)
Changing Location to "Loserville, USA"
Ak-ak-a-dak. Whaddya think of my defense now!
- BaronVonRotterdam
- UT2004 Server Admin
- Posts: 2603
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- Location: The Terrible State (New York)
- Contact:
- deadly_kisses
- Specialist
- Posts: 61
- Joined: Thu Sep 21, 2006 12:11 am
- Location: Glendale, Arizona
a couple more for the thread
I have a whole bunch some I can and will post eventually and some I can't and won't.
-------------------------
Quickie
Bill and Marla had a small apartment in the city. and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
Frontporch Pleadings
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says.
"Mom says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, she can come down herself and do it. But tell him to take his f**kin' hand off the intercom..."
-------------------------
Quickie
Bill and Marla had a small apartment in the city. and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
Frontporch Pleadings
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says.
"Mom says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, she can come down herself and do it. But tell him to take his f**kin' hand off the intercom..."
- Intimidator
- Corporal
- Posts: 276
- Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:04 pm
- Location: New Jersey
There was an avi out some time ago about the whole intercom scenerio.
Its way more funny to watch.... 8)
Its way more funny to watch.... 8)
"The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is a pole smoker. You're not. He has a date coming over tonight. You only have one ass."
- deadly_kisses
- Specialist
- Posts: 61
- Joined: Thu Sep 21, 2006 12:11 am
- Location: Glendale, Arizona
The Husband Store
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
*********
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs , love the Lord, and love kids.
*********
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
" Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
*********
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
*********
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
*********
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
*********
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs , love the Lord, and love kids.
*********
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
" Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
*********
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
*********
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
*********
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
- deadly_kisses
- Specialist
- Posts: 61
- Joined: Thu Sep 21, 2006 12:11 am
- Location: Glendale, Arizona
One very hot afternoon a woman decides she'll walk downtown and go shopping. Since it's so hot, she decides not to wear any panties, just a loose skirt.
On the way home, she decides to stop for a drink at an unfamiliar bar. She walk in and sits down with a stool between here and the only other patron in the place, a guy.
Try to cool off, she swings around and puts her feet up on the stool between her and the guy. He looks down and can see all the way up her dress, including the fun zone. He tries to be cool about, but finally he can't take it anymore, and he sa ys, "Honey, I'd like to pack that thing with ice cream and eat it!"
She gets pissed and jumps up and leaves the bar. On arriving home she finds her husband, tells him the stroy, and demands that he goes down and kicks the guys ass. However, her husband refuses.
She asks for one good reason why he won't, and he gives her three:
1. She should never have left the house without any panties.
2. She should never have gone into a strange bar by herself.
3. He ain't censored with no man that can eat that much ice cream.
--------------------------------------
GOLF BUDDIES
Three golf buddies are in a jam. All three of them spend all of their spare time playing golf and their wives have forced them on vacation together to the Bahamas. Two weeks, no golf.
One week later: "I can't take it anymore" Buddy1 says. "Neither can I" Buddy2 cries. "No matter what, tomorrow, 8AM on the golf course". They all agree. "Do whatever it takes" says Buddy1.
The next morning, they all show up, two of them looking not quite as happy as you'd think. "Shit," says Buddy3, "the only way I could get my wife to agree was to give her my credit card for a shopping spree. This is gonna cost me a bundle!"
"I should be so lucky!" sais Buddy2. "I have to buy my wife one of those boats you saw in the harbour! I'm going to be working my butt off to pay for it!" Buddy1 just chuckled...
"Whats so friggin' funny!" Buddy3 says. "Well, I just said 'Honey, it's golf or sex, your choice". She said "Take an umbrella, it might rain!"
---------------------------
IN A PLANE
Ok, this guy is in a plane and he really has to go to the bathroom, but whenever he went back to men's room, it was occupied. The flight attendent noticed how badly he needed to go, so she said, "Why don't you just go to the ladies' room, but DON'T press any buttons.
So he went into the bathroom and got very curious as to what they did. So he pressed the first one marked WW and warm water sprayed off his butt. Then he pressed the second one marked WA. It dried off his butt with warm air. Then he press the third one marked PP and it powdered his butt. He was having so much fun that he naturally couldn't resist the last one marked ATR. So he pressed it and the next thing he knew, he woke up in a hospital.
He was confused, so he quickly buzzed the nurse and she quickly came over. "What happened?" he asked. "The last thing I remembered was I was on a plane in the ladies room and I was pressing a bunch of buttons." "Yeah," the nurse began to say. "You pressed the button marked ATR; Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under the pillow!"
On the way home, she decides to stop for a drink at an unfamiliar bar. She walk in and sits down with a stool between here and the only other patron in the place, a guy.
Try to cool off, she swings around and puts her feet up on the stool between her and the guy. He looks down and can see all the way up her dress, including the fun zone. He tries to be cool about, but finally he can't take it anymore, and he sa ys, "Honey, I'd like to pack that thing with ice cream and eat it!"
She gets pissed and jumps up and leaves the bar. On arriving home she finds her husband, tells him the stroy, and demands that he goes down and kicks the guys ass. However, her husband refuses.
She asks for one good reason why he won't, and he gives her three:
1. She should never have left the house without any panties.
2. She should never have gone into a strange bar by herself.
3. He ain't censored with no man that can eat that much ice cream.
--------------------------------------
GOLF BUDDIES
Three golf buddies are in a jam. All three of them spend all of their spare time playing golf and their wives have forced them on vacation together to the Bahamas. Two weeks, no golf.
One week later: "I can't take it anymore" Buddy1 says. "Neither can I" Buddy2 cries. "No matter what, tomorrow, 8AM on the golf course". They all agree. "Do whatever it takes" says Buddy1.
The next morning, they all show up, two of them looking not quite as happy as you'd think. "Shit," says Buddy3, "the only way I could get my wife to agree was to give her my credit card for a shopping spree. This is gonna cost me a bundle!"
"I should be so lucky!" sais Buddy2. "I have to buy my wife one of those boats you saw in the harbour! I'm going to be working my butt off to pay for it!" Buddy1 just chuckled...
"Whats so friggin' funny!" Buddy3 says. "Well, I just said 'Honey, it's golf or sex, your choice". She said "Take an umbrella, it might rain!"
---------------------------
IN A PLANE
Ok, this guy is in a plane and he really has to go to the bathroom, but whenever he went back to men's room, it was occupied. The flight attendent noticed how badly he needed to go, so she said, "Why don't you just go to the ladies' room, but DON'T press any buttons.
So he went into the bathroom and got very curious as to what they did. So he pressed the first one marked WW and warm water sprayed off his butt. Then he pressed the second one marked WA. It dried off his butt with warm air. Then he press the third one marked PP and it powdered his butt. He was having so much fun that he naturally couldn't resist the last one marked ATR. So he pressed it and the next thing he knew, he woke up in a hospital.
He was confused, so he quickly buzzed the nurse and she quickly came over. "What happened?" he asked. "The last thing I remembered was I was on a plane in the ladies room and I was pressing a bunch of buttons." "Yeah," the nurse began to say. "You pressed the button marked ATR; Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under the pillow!"